I first saw this joke a while ago and it still makes me laugh so I thought I’d share it with you.
How to tell when foodstuffs should be discarded
The Gag Test
Anything that makes you gag is off, except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night.
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Milk is off when it looks like yoghurt. Yoghurt is off when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is off when it starts to look like ordinary cheese. Ordinary cheese is nothing but off milk anyway and can’t get any more off than it already is.
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is off.
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting cycle in your freezer compartment will probably be off – or wrecked, anyway – by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a half-mile radius to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is off.
Lettuce is off when you can’t get it off the bottom of the salad drawer without Flash.
Any tinned food that has become the shape or size of a football should be disposed of. Carefully.
A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.
It should not taste like salad dressing.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches or dense leafy undergrowth.
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
General Rule of Thumb:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
For more serious information, please see my Food Hygiene series.